Premiership Fans Revealed

The Classic Fan at the Bar:

The Arsenal man: Goes for the exotic looking ones. Discards the generally good looking ones. Smooth talking with a slight accent, lots of charming conversation, best looking dance moves... but at the end he still leaves alone. Lad just can't score.

Chelsea: Finds the ugliest looking girl. Goes up, hits her over the head and carries her off over his shoulder.

Liverpool: Goes for the simple types. Talks about the past, throws in the odd joke about pedigree, patriotism and bushy moustaches with a local twist. Does the robot on the dance floor. Very successful in local bars close to home. Usually less so, in remote bars in other towns.

Man United: Spots the easiest looking lass in the joint. Pushes her from behind. After she falls, he picks her up and dusts her down - all the while blaming the Arsenal man a few feet away for knocking her over while drawing attention to the latter's foreign accent. After the knight in shining armour routine, asks if she has any kids, or better yet any grandkids.

Aston Villa: Quiet at first, girls are drawn to his shy yet promising looks. As the conversation goes on, the girl gets bored and it becomes painfully aware he's never going to score.

Tottenham: Watches the moves of the Arsenal man very closely. After the former moves on, goes for the girl Arsenal failed with or discarded. And promptly fails to make an impression himself.

Bolton: Same as Tottenham except he picks United's leftovers... and uses Chelsea's approach.

Blackburn: Goes for the nearest girl he sees and asks her for sex straight out. After she slaps him he moves onto the next girl. Repeat till done.

West Ham: Enters the bar feeling very clever as he has roped in two latin fellows as wingmen. They score, he doesn't and realises he's about to be thrown out of the bar for being too drunk.

Charlton: Does nothing. Sits and stands near the back. Occasionally smiles at the odd girl. Never even threatens to make an impact.

Fulham: Very moody. On the odd day capable of talking to and walking away with the hottest girl in the bar. On other days to be found at one of the back tables sharing a pint with Charlton, Tottenham and Middlesborough.

Middlesborough: Very boring, most girls run the moment he approaches. Despite claiming multiple cultured influences he drinks only the local bitter. Plenty of. Scores with the girls who are semi conscious themselves.

Everton: Watches Liverpool very closely. Tries to hit on 'the friend' while trying to outdo Liverpool. Easy to spot as he's usually bald and slightly mean looking.

Reading: Excitable and young. Rushes in to talk to the gaggle of girls near the dance floor despite warnings from the older folk to bide ones' time. Rejection hasn't affected this man yet.

Wigan: like Reading, except jaded by all the rejection over time. It's been a year....

Watford: Knows he's not going to get anywhere. Sits down next to Charlton and turns on the TV to catch up on the sports news before the place closes.

Man City: Penchant for trying very hard but not getting very far. Usually starts well but an ill timed gaffe or faux pas usually puts paid to his chances of hooking up for the night. Keep off the pickles and the beans.

Portsmouth: Nervous head twitches and neck twists keep from having a normal conversation with a girl. That and his preoccupation with talking to every single girl in the bar. Not only are they distracted but so is he.

Sheffield United: Comes in sweaty, wearing a dull sweater and musty smell. Repellent to anything female. Usually can be heard swearing loudly at the telly with Watford. Extremely likely to get into a fight with Blackburn when the latter propositions his sister.

Newcastle: At home, injured. Watching Rugby with no shirt on.