Premiership Fans Revealed

The Classic Fan at the Bar:

The Arsenal man: Goes for the exotic looking ones. Discards the generally good looking ones. Smooth talking with a slight accent, lots of charming conversation, best looking dance moves... but at the end he still leaves alone. Lad just can't score.

Chelsea: Finds the ugliest looking girl. Goes up, hits her over the head and carries her off over his shoulder.

Liverpool: Goes for the simple types. Talks about the past, throws in the odd joke about pedigree, patriotism and bushy moustaches with a local twist. Does the robot on the dance floor. Very successful in local bars close to home. Usually less so, in remote bars in other towns.

Man United: Spots the easiest looking lass in the joint. Pushes her from behind. After she falls, he picks her up and dusts her down - all the while blaming the Arsenal man a few feet away for knocking her over while drawing attention to the latter's foreign accent. After the knight in shining armour routine, asks if she has any kids, or better yet any grandkids.

Aston Villa: Quiet at first, girls are drawn to his shy yet promising looks. As the conversation goes on, the girl gets bored and it becomes painfully aware he's never going to score.

Tottenham: Watches the moves of the Arsenal man very closely. After the former moves on, goes for the girl Arsenal failed with or discarded. And promptly fails to make an impression himself.

Bolton: Same as Tottenham except he picks United's leftovers... and uses Chelsea's approach.

Blackburn: Goes for the nearest girl he sees and asks her for sex straight out. After she slaps him he moves onto the next girl. Repeat till done.

West Ham: Enters the bar feeling very clever as he has roped in two latin fellows as wingmen. They score, he doesn't and realises he's about to be thrown out of the bar for being too drunk.

Charlton: Does nothing. Sits and stands near the back. Occasionally smiles at the odd girl. Never even threatens to make an impact.

Fulham: Very moody. On the odd day capable of talking to and walking away with the hottest girl in the bar. On other days to be found at one of the back tables sharing a pint with Charlton, Tottenham and Middlesborough.

Middlesborough: Very boring, most girls run the moment he approaches. Despite claiming multiple cultured influences he drinks only the local bitter. Plenty of. Scores with the girls who are semi conscious themselves.

Everton: Watches Liverpool very closely. Tries to hit on 'the friend' while trying to outdo Liverpool. Easy to spot as he's usually bald and slightly mean looking.

Reading: Excitable and young. Rushes in to talk to the gaggle of girls near the dance floor despite warnings from the older folk to bide ones' time. Rejection hasn't affected this man yet.

Wigan: like Reading, except jaded by all the rejection over time. It's been a year....

Watford: Knows he's not going to get anywhere. Sits down next to Charlton and turns on the TV to catch up on the sports news before the place closes.

Man City: Penchant for trying very hard but not getting very far. Usually starts well but an ill timed gaffe or faux pas usually puts paid to his chances of hooking up for the night. Keep off the pickles and the beans.

Portsmouth: Nervous head twitches and neck twists keep from having a normal conversation with a girl. That and his preoccupation with talking to every single girl in the bar. Not only are they distracted but so is he.

Sheffield United: Comes in sweaty, wearing a dull sweater and musty smell. Repellent to anything female. Usually can be heard swearing loudly at the telly with Watford. Extremely likely to get into a fight with Blackburn when the latter propositions his sister.

Newcastle: At home, injured. Watching Rugby with no shirt on.

Arsenal beat Manchester United.. Again.

Arsenal 2 - 1 Manchester United

If this was a test of belief then Arsenal passed with flying colours. Stand up Gunners every where and salute.

The Premiership's most resilient team came back on home turf to snatch a deserved win over the league leaders. Arsenal beat United at their own game of winning at the death. The trip back to the gloomy north west of England will be so much gloomier for Fergie knowing that he has lost both games against Wenger this term. How decidedly delicious it is to speculate who Ferguson will kick a boot at this time.

Chelsea may be the current team to dislodge, their temporary wealth skewing the order of things in the premiership, but make no mistake, Arsenal is the team that gives Ferguson (among others) the most joy to beat. Arsenal is the team that gives most premiership teams nightmares.

Arsenal may not win the Premiership this season but have ensured that they remain the most dangerous team in the league while playing the best football. With this come-from-behind win they have completed an impressive quintet of wins over fellow big 4 clubs this season and have accomplished the double over the Red Devils. With Chelsea to visit and a trip to Anfield remaining, one can hope to see Arsenal add to that tally. And we're still unbeaten at home. Hopefully that streak can continue. Arsene Wenger stands vindicated in both his choice of approach and his backing of the kids.

I was concerned about Gilberto's absence in the middle of the park through suspension and Ronaldo's threat down the left troubling us on the break. In the event, Flamini put in a fairly good, tough performance in Gilberto's place while Rosicky on the other hand seemed to be a little wasteful overall. The Czech maestro is more than an adept shooter from distance but his aim and timing were woefully off in this game. Even though Hleb went off to be replaced by Baptista (who was anonymous), I felt the Belarussian breadman played a good game overall. He hustled, harried, ran and tackled, with his passing often angled more vertical than horizontal, as he probed the right side of United's stall for an opening.

Fabregas was the artiste in his element. He bossed the midfield at Old Trafford, he bossed the midfield here. Michael Carrick cost close to 19 million pounds, Fabregas cost Arsenal nothing. Carrick played well as a glorified ball retriever, Fabregas gave a demonstration on being a modern midfield maestro. If passing is an art, this man is master of his craft.

Senderos kept his concentration all game and had Larsson in his pocket for most of it. How Ferguson must be wishing he had started Saha in place of the Swede. Perhaps, Wenger's comment, that he was terrified of playing the Swede, had Fergie double-guessing himself. The Swiss youngster may have struggled against the physical approach of Saha, against the wily Swede, he had a smooth game. Toure, as ever, was a champion workhorse, matched only by his opposite number, the immense Vidic, at the other end of the park. The job he has done in anchoring this young squad, is admirable.

Eboue, despite himself, kept Ronaldo fairly quiet, even managing to get the Portugese wanker/winger/winker booked out of petulant frustration. A few nervous moments with his clearances and the odd clumsy challenge aside, the Ivorian was more than competent at right back and what a sweet cross it was indeed - textbook stuff, like at the start of the season. How vindicative it must be that after selling off one of their most consistent right backs of recent times, his replacement was instrumental in both containing and overcoming the threat of the league leaders. How Redknapp must be wishing Arsenal had let the other West African right back leave.

Clichy goes from strength to strength and judging by both his contribution to Arsenal's game this season (And Cashley's contribution to Chelsea's demise), he has more then replaced the money-grabbing Englishman in both team and spirit. His pacy counterattacks were balanced evenly by his dogged defending and critical interceptions. Eric Abidal must be nervously peering over his shoulder when considering the pecking order for the Les Blues's left back position.

Henry was sulking at times and a little peripheral it seemed but just as I sensed an unwilling sense of deja-vu, the captain came up with a flick-on assist and a gutsy headed winner. Tremendous Thierry, that was fantastic. He may have seemd a little unwilling to get stuck in, but boy did he rise to the occasion (no pun intended) when it was asked of him. His first half header was an apology to centre forwards everywhere, but his second half winner was a clinic in big time delivery with the head. Va-va Voom!

You sensed that, with bringing Van Persie on, Wenger switched to a more direct style in Arsenal's attacking approach. Uptil then, like on innumerable times in the last 3 seasons, Arsenal prevaricated when a more direct approach presented itself. With the exception of Rosicky of course, but he was so woeful with his shooting, it didn't matter. Tactically there is an advantage of playing the ball back to the cavalry, arriving in numbers in and around the box, when the ball is played long to the foremost attacker. By dragging the ball back and square, it pays off, on occasion, to tee someone else up in a better situation. However, Vidic and Rio were so composed in their positioning, and Carrick was so in the way, that dragbacks inevitably resulted in the ball going back to square one in the middle of the park. I was glad, therefore, to see Van Persie, never a stranger to direct, selfish shooting, positioned at the far post when Henry's flick on arrived there, rather than one our more selfless midfielders.

It was delightfully self-indulgent to see Van Persie and Henry pull the trigger, the Dutchman's sweet one time shot rifling into the roof of the net to send Ashburton Grove into hysterics while Eboue's late cross to Henry condemned United to a comprehensive defeat. Direct style: two goals from four attempts; short passing approach play: zero goals from the entire game till then. Numbers rarely lie.

Adebayor's tireless approach was illustrated in one sequence where, after running close to 50 yards to retrieve the ball, he placed it on the corner of six yard box for Van der Sar to take. Typically United, Van der Sar proceeded to waste time by shifting the ball onto the other corner. If any gesture signaled that United were a little concerned, perhaps even scared, it was that little piece of pathetic gamesmanship. One can talk all they want about the need to rush the ball back into play, but few Premiership footballers would have spent so much energy on what was, eventually, a fruitless endeavour. In my mind, Adebayor was neck and neck with Vidic, when he received Fabregas' long ball and was flagged for being offside. Had he scored, it would be nothing less than he deserved.

How fitting it was then, to see Ferguson whine at the end, when Lehmann, in the final moments, with Arsenal leading, proceeded to do a little time wasting himself. Pot calling the kettle black ? No, Sir Alex, as you sow so you reap.

Finally Lehmann, what can you say ? The German was solid at the back, keeping out 3 shots that may have trickled in. The entire game, he was only out of position once, and when you consider the aerial bombardment as well asd long distance shooting that United subjected him to, that is an achievement in itself. Lehmann led from the back and started what Henry finished at the other end.

A truly awesome, whole hearted team performance from Arsenal.

Next time Arsenal meet United, in perhaps the FA Cup or the Champions' League, you can rest assured that Ferguson will revert to employing the muscular physical approach that served him well the last time Arsenal were in direct ascendancy over them - the 2002-03 and 2003-2004 seasons. They will resort to being more forceful and rough in the middle of the park. If anything, United missed the brutish style of Saha and O'Shea when they were leading. I will however, not complain. This game reiterated once more that no one (and no one) can outfootball Arsenal. Full credit to United for playing football though and trying to beat Arsenal at it.

2-1 to the Arsenal. Wenger must be proud.

Flamini the tackler

Football, Flamini and other tacklers.

A friend recently commented on, my labelling of Mathieu Flamini as a tackler, by pointing out that Flamini's not really a good tackler but just a hard working bits and pieces type of player who likes to tackle. And because he's not really good at anything else, Arsenal fans, myself included, like to place him in the tackler category when there are, in fact, better tacklers in the side such as Francesc Fabregas.

That got me thinking. He had a point, Flamini is not that good a tackler. But wait, there's more to it than that. When Flamini executes a tackle, whether it's successful or not, whether it's clean or not, it causes the opposing player to shift, to preempt his movement and react accordingly. Flamini likes to get stuck in. In fact, he looks rather clumsy tackling, more often than not. Whether his clumsiness is due to his lack of proficieny at tackling, or his style, is not the point. It's his mentality that builds the reputation. Flamini's tackling comes across as someone who is deliberately on the ground to obstruct and disturb someone's flow with the ball at his feet. And therein lies the rub. That is why it's effective and that is why he's branded a tackler.

In the Premiership, it's players like Flamini, who like to get stuck in, that are feared by opposing flair players. It's not necessarily the ones who may tackle you cleanly and take the ball away - example Fabregas or Gilberto. It's the ones who will cause you to remember the tackle, knock you over and clatter you while possibly dislodging the ball from your feet. These players disrupt the flow, these players knock skilled players off their stride - these are the ones who are remembered more often than not. Of course, this is not 100% true - there are some excellent tacklers who are remembered and avoided when possible - Patrick Vieira for example. But in Vieira's case, the man was a a bit of a giant - tall and gangly, with immense strength in his legs and lower body. Whether he clattered you or not, you'd remember the tackle. When Fabregas tackles - it's usually so smooth and uninterrupted that the person who loses the ball rarely remembers the tackle. If Fabregas was more clumsy - he'd be feared as a tackler a little bit more. Half of tackling is all about reputation and pre-emptive fear.

Thomas Gravesen is not a good tackler and never was - but he's a chronic tackler - ever ready to hit the deck and cause all sorts of problems to people and their shin and ankle guards and he's strong and tough - boy is he ever strong. It's how he has staked his reputation and for a while became a rather sought after defensive midfielder. Phil Neville is another such player - generally rubbish but more than happy to get stuck in and fell the man. The disgraceful, unpunished kicking that him and his brother dished out to Jose Antonio Reyes in the semifinal of the FA Cup in 2004 is one of the reasons Reyes never got over his fear of the tackle while in England.

Blackburn is one of the lousiest set of tacklers I have ever seen but it is their inherent clumsiness and lack of technique that causes them to knock more skilled teams out of their stride. To that list add Bolton (Ivan Campo aside) and the Sheffield United defence. It's no mystery why Chelsea may be looking at Bolton's Tel Ben Haim as a possible option to reinforce his team, the Israeli is one of the worst tacklers I have ever seen but he makes sure people remember him as a physical player. He gets stuck in. He creates fear. Paul Scholes is a very clumsy tackler and quite often gets booked 2 or 3 tackles in - however opposing midfielders fear his incoming studs and preemptively dodge out of the way. Their flow gets disrupted. Job done for Scholesy. Dan Smith's ridiculous lunge on Abou Diaby on the last day of last season was not even carded - thereby showing that the grey area between a foul and a clean tackle is vast. For the rest of his playing career Abou Diaby will subconsciously fear the incoming tackle no matter where he plays. In a perverse way Dan Smith's job is done.

So to wrap up, if you're going to go in for a tackle, go in hard. Make sure the opponent feels your thunder. As entertaining as modern football is, there is no better way to get at an opposing football team than to get stuck in and around their ankles and knees. As for my beloved Arsenal - that is the only way you can beat them.